Who’s going to show up today?
Dana — Head of HR
Dana had just finished mid-year reviews, and one had gone sideways again. The direct report was a manager who’d applied for Dana’s job, hadn’t gotten it, and was now on a formal performance warning—and every conversation with her turned into a defensive minefield. “It’s almost like being in an abusive relationship,” Dana told me, “where you don’t know who’s going to show up.” After each one she wanted to walk out, grab a drink, and say screw it.
She came in wanting to fix the employee. But that was the one thing she couldn’t do. What was actually draining her wasn’t the workload—it was pouring enormous effort in and getting zero movement back, and the mask she’d started wearing to get through it. The clearest thing she said in our first session wasn’t about the direct report at all: “It’s how I’m letting her control my psyche, my mood, my day—and I don’t want to give anyone that power.”
So we moved the work off the other person and onto the only thing Dana could actually govern, her own response:
- We got specific about the feeling. Under “exhausting” was “defeated, beaten down,” which told us the real enemy was hopelessness at seeing no change, not the person herself.
- Oxygen mask first. She picked one practice: catch the moment she slipped into reactive mode, pause, let a silence sit, and recover. Success wasn’t never getting knocked off balance—it was how fast she climbed back on.
- Turning the question around. In a hard moment she’d silently ask, “what’s making this a problem for her?” It pulled her out of defending herself and into something calmer.
- Remembering she had options. In any situation that feels powerless there are really only three moves: ask for clarity, set a boundary, or consciously make peace with it.
The test came fast. A top-down reorganization stripped away work she loved, and when she raised it, her usually-warm boss shut her down. Her first read was “I had no control over any of that.” By the end of the session she’d found the parts she did control. “I like that,” she said. “I’m going to send her a text after this.”
She didn’t get an easier employee or a kinder reorg. She stopped handing other people the keys to her mood, and started leading from the ground she actually stood on.
This is the work. If it’s yours too: